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Get Rich or Lie Tryin’
We kinda figured this might happen.
If you remember from a few months back, we sent our WWEnd intern Barry on the job hunt with a resume laden with stints at fictitious evil sci fi corporations. This was in response to the government’s assertion that the job market was getting better; we thought we’d just put that to the test. Plus, it seemed a good idea at the time to see if any employers caught on to our ruse.
With the latest media reports that over 9% of the country is unemployed, and a further 16% is underemployed (that’s a quarter of all working-age Americans, people!), it was a long shot at best that our man Barry would land anything more promising than Junior Assistant Burger Flipper.
Well, Barry beat the odds and got a job. A real job, a six-figure job. And he’s decided to accept.
(Apparently, New England pharmaceutical companies pay better than the owners of science fiction websites. Who knew? Those male enhancement pills must be more popular – and lucrative – then I initially suspected.)
For legal reasons we can’t divulge our former intern’s new employer, but Big Unnamed Pharmacy Company 
couldn’t resist a candidate like Barry – especially after his extensive experience in the Credit Department at Tyrell Corporation, as well as his five years of service as a Financial Risk Analyst at Weyland-Yutani and seven years as an Account Manager at Soylent Corporation. (Which is kind of funny when you consider Barry, who’s only 25, had a fictional career that spanned 18 years.)
So much for background checks.
Anyway, with it being Labor Day weekend, it was only fitting to report that Barry came to us, resignation in hand and big fat smile on his big fat face. I guess it serves us right.
Regrettably, Barry’s treason does not bode well for the rest of the WWEnd interns. While I’m personally understanding of Barry’s desire to do better for himself, our WWEnd Chief Financial Officer isn’t quite as forgiving, and he’s decided to send a message to the other interns.
As a result, our entire intern family is deep in the throes of a special project at the behest of our CFO, who has dictated that they spend Labor Day weekend crafting a 300-page report on why The Adventures of Pluto Nash failed at the box office. To include pie graphs.
While our interns are sweating out repeated viewings of Pluto Nash, I figured that in their honor I would pull together a list of 10 Guys in Need of a Career Change. To follow are some real working class stiffs (in a few cases, literally!)…
10 Guys in Need of a Career Change
10.) Malakili the Rancor Keeper (played by Paul Brooke) / Return of the Jedi (1983)
Sometimes known as the Larry Fortensky of the sci fi universe, this poor sap suddenly found himself underemployed when Luke Skywalker showed his pet monster the door. On the upside, with the Rancor gone he’s saving a bundle on kitty litter.
9.) Carter Blake, Shark Wrangler (played by Thomas Jane) / Deep Blue Sea (1999)
Talk about a misleading job posting, this one definitely looked better on paper: “Interact with marine life in a cutting edge oceanographic facility. Great pay, solid benefits, personal chef onsite.” Sorry, but this is not the Beluga Whale exhibit at Sea World.
8.) Pig Killer (played by Robert Grubb) / Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985)
I pride myself on being a bacon man. But I draw the line at what I’m willing to do for the swine candy, such as having to shovel pig poop in Jimmy Dean’s Inferno. This job would almost make me consider going vegan. Almost.
7.) Zap ‘Em Exterminator (played by Ken Thorley) / Men in Black (1997)
Every job has its share of pests who delight in bugging you. It’s not a big problem, until one goes all Full Metal Jacket on you; then you’re hosed. And you thought Delbert McClintock had issues.
6.) Floral Arranger Boy, aka Harkonnen’s Victim (played by Ernesto Laguardia) / Dune (1984)
Who knew that being an FTD delivery man was so fraught with danger? Having a boxed wine spigot inserted into your heart might be a tip off that this job is not a long-term assignment. And then there’s the boss in dire need of sensitivity training…
5.) Desk Sergeant (played by Bruce M. Kerner) / The Terminator (1984)
The irony of course is you’d think desk jockey would be the safest job on the force. Funny how an angry time traveling cyborg can change that equation in a hurry. The Los Angeles DMV wouldn’t see this much action again until Lindsay Lohan came along.
4.) Cabbie (played by Ernest Borgnine) / Escape From New York (1981)
Driving a cab in New York City? Sure, that’s rough. Make it an apocalyptic-style maximum security prison New York City replete with lethal near-mutants, and it’s extreme. But throw in the moniker “comic sidekick,” and you have a recipe for fatality.
3.) Remy (played by Jude Law) / Repo Men (2010)
Healthcare may be a growth industry, but for blue collar schmoes like Jude Law it just means he’s got to work his guts out. Seriously. Hey Jude, if your supervisor tells you to take heart, put in for a transfer.
2.) Dr. Uwe Boll (played by Dr. Uwe Boll) / Director of classics such as Bloodrayne and Alone in the Dark
I don’t mean to pick on a guy when he’s down, but when a million people sign an online petition asking you to quit, it bears consideration. (If it’s any consolation, Dr. Boll, I’m faced with the same thing. Hang tough, brother.)
1.) Winston Smith (played by John Hurt) / 1984 (1984)
Memo to Big Brother: when it comes to company mission statements, “the worst place in the world” could use a little work. This movie redefined how to conduct a performance review, with Winston Smith as the epitome of put-upon employee. As in, “My boss wants to put a rat upon my face.”
Good luck, Barry. Call if you need a reference.
3 Comments
I think you could add M. Night Shyamalan to your list as well. He hit big with Sixth Sense but has been steadily rolling downhill since. College Humor has a great video about him: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1940892
Nice post. One small thing: The "Zap ‘Em Exterminator" in MIB 1 is played by Vincent D’Onofrio, not Ken Thorley.
Yeah, we couldn’t find a picture of the Zap ‘Em guy from the movie. If you’ve got one I’ll replace it.
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