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Come Aboard, We’re Expecting You
As military recruitment propaganda films go, I find The Last Starfighter to be something of an odd duck.
The Last Starfighter is ostensibly a mid-1980’s escapist entertainment about a trailer park kid who’s conscripted into some kind of galactic corps, thanks to his prowess at video games. But underneath, the film is something more nefarious – namely, yet another misguided government attempt to ramp up recruitment in lieu of mandating a draft, by making military service seem fun and adventurous.
Directed by Nick Castle, who co-wrote Escape From New York with John Carpenter, The Last Starfighter burst onto the scene in 1984 and if memory serves was largely embraced and cherished by the filmgoing populace.
Having seen the film last night, I’m left with one burning question. Why?
I went in with high hopes. Castle, after all, was the man responsible for much of the New York humor of Escape From New York, including the character of Cabbie. For my money, anyone who can shoehorn Ernest Borgnine into a John Carpenter film deserves an Oscar nod.
Our hero, Lance Guest, the trailer park kid with the hot hand, spends much of the film in a state of reluctance. I don’t really blame him. I spent much of this film in a state of reluctance, too.
Lance doesn’t embrace being the last starfighter because it’s dangerous, and he only agrees to take the helm after much cajoling from the supporting cast. Robert Preston never worked so hard. (It was a long time after The Music Man, but Bob still had the sparkle.) 
(SIDE NOTE: I spent a good deal of time worrying that I wouldn’t make it all the way through The Last Starfighter, which doesn’t bode well for my scheduled viewing of Battlefield Earth. I need your moral support. Please. The things I do for you people.)
Lance’s reluctance can be ultimately traced back to what I call “The Stubing Effect.” ™
The Stubing Effect refers to the fact that the Rylans (the good aliens Lance is conscripted to fight for) all look like Captain Stubing from The Love Boat.
Even the females.
When even the women in your film look like Captain Stubing from The Love Boat, you know you’re in trouble. Big trouble.
It’s the over indulgent use of Gavin MacLeod clones that I think is the downfall of this film. That, and the fact that the film is heavily laden with CGI. Now consider we’re talking 1984 CGI here. My Atari 2600 was pumping out better pixels than The Last Starfighter.
I could almost forgive the cheesy CGI. But the overuse of Stubing is too much.
Now, I love Gavin MacLeod as much as the next person. I’m a big fan of The Gav. Big fan. But somehow His Stubingness just doesn’t translate well into science fiction.
So I ask the United States Air Force (who undoubtedly was behind the making of this film), “As a recruitment film, do you really think female Stubings are the way to psychologically press gang young men into military service?”
Female aliens with male pattern baldness just don’t really impress me as a way to entice America’s youth to be all they can be.
Admittedly, I don’t remember much more from the film than that, reeling as I was from Stubingness. There was something called a Zando-Zan that looked like a crawfish taking potshots at Lance and his robot twin in a trailer park. And they finished the film with the dreaded Death Blossom starship attack. Beyond that, it’s a blur.
For my money, the better military recruitment film from 1984 was Red Dawn, featuring well-choreographed Patrick Swayze musical numbers. “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!” Now isn’t that exactly the go-get ’em attitude you want from your armed forces?
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